No longer alone - John's story

Sometimes events happen in life that we have no control over yet they can determine the whole course of our lives. When I was 13 years old, my mother had contracted terminal cancer and we knew she only had days to live. My father was in the Merchant Navy and, despite promising the rest of the family, he could not bear to be at home to watch mum die, so he sailed on the next ship. I still remember the day he left. His last word were ‘you are the man of the house now son’ and I watched him disappear down the road.

On the following Sunday, a man called to the house asking for mum. She was in hospital. The man told us that dad had died at sea. Five days later my mum died. It was shortly after Christmas and my auntie took me home to her house. We stayed up late and she got me to help her take the Christmas tree decorations down. I was coping reasonably well until it was time for bed. She put me to bed, said goodnight, and left.

As I lay in that bed, I had such a devastating sense of being alone. Mum and dad had gone and, there was the sense that, in the end, there was just you. No-one could get close enough to take away that awful feeling. That feeling was to stay with me for the rest of my life. I grew up with that sense of being alone, although outwardly, I would seem fine.

Whenever we are hit by deep emotional pain or trauma, we unconsciously find strategies in life to help us avoid the pain. I sought to alleviate the pain of feeling alone by seeking out a partner. I went from one relationship to another seeking the perfect partner who could take away this feeling forever. I left behind me a trail of failed and broken relationships including a failed marriage. No one human being can satisfy the deep longing in the human heart.

I was brought up a Catholic and always had a belief in God. I tried hard to live the Catholic life and be ‘good’ but, over the years, realised I could not live up to God’s standard. My view of God was of someone all-powerful, seated on His throne in heaven, who had created us on earth, subject us to terrible pain and testings and, when we failed, ultimately punished us. I decided I could not accept a God like that and abandoned any faith and tried living simply for myself.

After a number of years, I began to seek again for the true meaning and purpose of life. During this time, God began to reveal Himself to me. I met several true ‘born again’ Christians who told me about Jesus. One Sunday I visited a church recommended by one of them. I spent the whole meeting in tears, overwhelmed by the sense of God’s love for me. I knew that He knew me intimately and He had been there during my good years and my bad ones, yet He still loved me. It was as if I was ‘home’ and He was my Father. Within months, I had committed my life to the Lord Jesus Christ. God immediately began to change my life.

Although it hasn’t always been easy, I can honestly say that the Lord Jesus has been a friend that sticks closer than a brother. He will never leave me or forsake me and He is sufficient for all my needs. I am no longer alone.